


I Wish I Knew

by PepperedPickles



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Freja, I am so sorry, M/M, Murder, Squirrels, Vibrators
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-24
Updated: 2013-10-24
Packaged: 2017-12-30 09:47:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1017126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PepperedPickles/pseuds/PepperedPickles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is a vibrator, Dean is a squirrel. They're in love regardless of the consequences. Please don't read this. This isn't even trying to be reverse psychology. Don't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wish I Knew

**Author's Note:**

> I owed Freja a favor.

It was the worst case of forbidden love. A (technically) inanimate object, seemingly sent from Heaven itself to please vaginas and asshole everywhere, and a humble red rodent. But Dean knew that Cas was the only man- well, vibrator for him. So what if he was a squirrel? Love was indeed love, no matter the barriers between the two of them, such as species or that fact that neither of them could talk.

A couple years into their relationship, they both agreed that it was time for them to get married. So with Dean's kangaroo-hybrid brother's blessing, they united their souls in a blessed ceremony under an oak tree. Sam cried grapefruit juicy tears as the two bumped top part and nose in something that looked a little like a kiss if you fucking disregarded the damned blatant fact that they were a shitty vibrator and a crapsauce stew of a fucking squIRREL OH MY FUCKING GOD.

The wedding night was a passionate affair. Castiel, driven insane by his lust, pushed Dean against the rough bark of a tree and roughly entered him from behind oh my god why am i writing this i hate you freja. Dean moaned with lust. 

"Oh God yes!"

That was all it took to make Cas push in deeper, until he was completely inside Dean. This, as it happened, was a mistake. Castiel's length and width were simply too much for Dean's tiny squirrel body, and he felt the very walls of his intestines ripping apart and his organs being fucking compressed. Cas was vibrating inside him oh god this is pain itself. His dying thought was  _I love you, no matter what_ as he passed away, wrapped around his too-large lover.

 

A funeral service, of cours, had to be held. Castiel gave a moving speech, about how meeting Dean had changed his life forever. Nobody understood what he said BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL GODDAMNED SQUIRRELS AND EHW AS A VIBRATRO AND SHOULDNT EB ABLE TO TLAK.

In the middle of the burial, a pounding of feet was heard and a young girl with wild eyes burst into the scene.   
  


"THIS IS A GODDAMNED ARMS RACE," she yelled at the narrator, her very red lipstick blazing with fury. She took a machete from her belt and screamed

"SQUIRRELS FUCKING SUCK BARTHOLOMEW'S HAIRY DICK" before beheading several of Dean's mourning friends with one stroke, and punching another in the stomach. All the squirrels fled, but Castiel couldn't because  _HE WAS A FUCKING VIBRATOR AND DIDNT HAVE LEGS._

"My name is Freja," she said quietly. "And I'm an unreasonable jerkface with great taste in friends."

She looked at Castiel, lying on the ground and picked him up and tucked him in her belt, alongside the machete. A fine squirrel-killing weapon.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry.


End file.
